Such Is the Life of a Slut
by redwalgrl-RG
Summary: Fanfiction challenge. Forty five characters, all paired with Archer, one character per chapter. Did I mention they all top Archer? FINALLY UPDATED.
1. Better Maria x Archer

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

Author's notes: Well… I don't really know what to say on this subject. It's already pretty damn weird anyway. I've decided to make my own little writing meme thing.

_Take any character and ship him/her with every other character in his/her series._

My character: Frank Archer.

My challenge: Make him uke for every character in FullMetal Alchemist.

Please note that I have removed some characters that I don't know enough about, or do not feel comfortable writing for. Or I just couldn't come up with a plot for them, so sue me. There are forty-five characters that I will ship Archer with. That means forty-five chapters. Are you ready for this? Probably not.

I will post these in some random order, with whichever ones I complete. It's up to me, so too bad for you.

If you've read my drabbles (now removed because this is the same thing) then you will recognize this first one. In order to save you, I will post a second one sometime today, probably shortly after posting this.

Also note that these are _drabbles_. Therefore they will more than likely be short. A lot of background may not be given. It's up to you to figure out what happened.

And if you can guess all forty-five characters correctly, I'll write you whatever you want me to. However, I still stop accepting guesses once I've gotten to the halfway mark (which will be twenty-two chapters).

Without further ado, please enjoy.

-+-

**Chapter One: Better (Maria Ross x Frank Archer)**

The military's annual ball was always a waste of time in his opinion. He'd been forced into coming once before, but after that, never again. Except now, being head of the Military Court, Frank Archer had no choice but to attend.

So now started the search for a decent woman to take. Of course she couldn't be a superior officer, he refused to be shown up. And she couldn't be anyone who posed a threat to him. And she definitely couldn't be that secretary of his. What was her name again? Sciezka? Something like that, he couldn't spell or pronounce it. So it was always "Hey you."

He wasn't doing himself any favors by sitting inside with the blinds drawn. He knew that, he knew he was far too pale for his own good. It really didn't matter to him, he rather liked being pale. But he needed to go find a proper woman to escort. Or Mustang would shove it in his face that he couldn't get a woman. How irritating. He most certainly could get a woman. He could get any woman he wanted! He just hadn't found one yet. And though temptation was telling him to ask First Lieutenant Hawkeye, he knew better. She'd shoot him.

So Archer finally gathered up his nerve and left the office, wandering around Central Headquarters aimlessly. He still had a good month until the ball, but he wasn't about to waste time. He could be charming when he wanted to, and he wasn't always such a pompous, arrogant man. He could be caring. It was just that no one ever struck his interest.

No one, until her.

Icy eyes stopped abruptly on a lovely young woman with dark hair and equally dark eyes, a small mole under her left one. He immediately committed the face to memory, watching the way she just turned and walked away, a taller blonde man trailing behind her like some lovesick puppy. He didn't know either of them, perhaps they were under another officer's domain? Possibly Mustang, it seemed he had all the subordinates who actually had _character_.

But that woman. Who was she?

And so over the next few days, Archer made it his goal in life to find out who the mysterious woman was. He saw her occasionally, but it was rare, and he treasured those moments. He wanted to see more of her. At least just to _see_ her. But all search attempts for her name failed.

"You mean Second Lieutenant Maria Ross, sir?"

For once, Armstrong was useful. Archer could have hugged the man. But of course he didn't, nodding absently. "Yes, Second Lieutenant Maria Ross." It sounded wonderful. Maria, Maria, Maria. Such a pretty name.

"She's going to the ball with Sergeant Broshe."

And just like that, Archer's little daydream world cracked in half, straight down the center. "What?" His voice sounded as stiff and apathetic as usual, but he wanted to hit Armstrong for even saying it, for breaking down his perfect little world. "Hmm." But he wouldn't let this 'Broshe' get her. After all, Archer was a Lieutenant Colonel. If all else failed he could just order her to come with him and swear her to secrecy.

But then came the biggest problem. Asking her. Every time he got near her he just froze, the picture of apathy that he always tried to portray. He couldn't even _talk_ to her. How weak was he!? Archer silently groaned and sat back at his desk, examining the papers that he should have been more worried about completing.

"Excuse me? Lieutenant Colonel, sir?"

Archer's head and eyes shot up to stare at the perfect beauty in his doorway. What was she doing here? How did she even know his—okay, well, it was rather had not to know your superior officer's names. "Second Lieutenant Ross, come in." He gestured for a chair, wanting to throw aside that apathy, wanting to just get rid of it all, and already hating himself for not being able to do it. "What is it?"

"Colonel Mustang told me you wanted to see me…?" A soft frown crossed Maria's gorgeous features, and Archer nearly melted right there.

"He did, did he?" Mustang. That man was either going to die a severe death or win Archer's eternal gratitude, depending on how this turned out. But even if all went well, he'd never serve under Mustang. No matter what. "I don't know why he'd say that, especially when we barely even know each other."

"Yes, sir." She bobbed her head lightly, and Archer found that he loved her agreeing with him, even if it was forced. "He… mentioned something about the military ball…"

How had Mustang found out? Archer hadn't told anyone! Unless that lazy man was actually perceptive, which he wasn't, then how had he found out? "The military ball, yes. You are not required to go, but I am curious…"

"Sir?"

"…Wouldyouconsidergoingtothemilitaryballwithme?" Archer had honestly never talked so fast in his entire life. As if getting it out there any quicker would help more. But he had to know her response, be it good or bad. And if it was bad…

Maria frowned, apparently trying to understand whatever he had just said. "I'm sorry, sir. I didn't catch that."

Of course she didn't. So Archer had to gather his wits and courage back up in order to repeat himself. He was even more scared, if that was possible. "Maria, would you consider… going to the ball with me?" He literally had to think about it before speaking, he couldn't risk having to repeat himself again. And now he could feel the scarlet blush rising to his prominent cheekbones and properly tilted his head aside as if that would help him hide it.

She smiled lightly, a small blush crossing her face as well. "Is that an order?"

"Would you like it to be?"

"I'll consider it." She smiled slightly and stood up, waving slightly as she walked out. He found it better than a salute.


	2. Priorities Hughes x Archer

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

**Chapter Two: Priorities (****Maes**** Hughes x Frank Archer)**

Thank you for the kind reviews! Anyway, this next chapter is a pairing I've only seen once before, and I've never roleplayed it. So you'll just have to see how I manage to pull this off, right?

_Side note: I never really liked Hughes anyway._

-+-

"Major!"

"Sir?"

"Look at my daughter! Isn't she the most amazing, beautiful, wonderful little girl you've ever seen!?"

A sigh. "Yes, sir."

"Here! Have some pictures!"

Frank Archer waited until the rather loud Lieutenant Colonel waltzed out of the room before slamming his head repeatedly against the desk, now covered in Elysia pictures. He was willing to bet there was one hidden in between every page of the file Hughes had delivered him. He held it up and shook it, revealing another hundred or so Elysia pictures. No, two per page. "Why me?" What had he done to deserve this, anyway? He was just a normal pencil pusher, why was he subjected to this torture? But that wasn't something to ponder, he had to busy himself somehow.

"Major!"

"Sir?"

"Look, I found more pictures!"

_You're damn lucky I don't have my gun on me._

Hughes once again waltzed back into his office and could be heard conversing on the phone with Mustang, or so Archer assumed. He didn't know much about Colonel Mustang, except that the man worked in East Headquarters. Lovely. But Hughes was absolutely obsessed with him. It was interesting, to see a man so obsessed with another man. Sort of like…

Well, Archer himself. But that was to be expected, how could he stop obsessing over Hughes? That man was always in the office and always making a fool of himself, and… and…!

Okay, rationalizing everything made it right, right? Archer sighed and returned to reading through the papers, trying to shove the Elysia pictures into the drawer. It was overflowing already, causing an eye twitch. Ugh.

"Major!"

"Sir?"

Hughes stopped at Archer's desk thoughtfully, and then smiled brightly. "Come with me, Major."

"Sir?"

"Please, Hughes is fine." Without waiting any longer, Hughes grabbed the pale man's wrist and dragged him into the office. "Major, take a seat." He gestured to the single chair in front of his desk and closed the door, and locked it behind him.

The lock was what unnerved Archer, though of course he refused to change expressions. "Sir? What is it?" Of course he was immediately worried that it might be something wrong with his paycheck. After all, Archer was a penny-pinching Major, he didn't get paid all that much to begin with. Subtract the fact that he wasn't an alchemist… and it was barely enough to live off of. Good thing he could work holidays and get extra money. The insurance money on his dead parents was rather nice too…

"Major, I have a problem." Hughes admitted with a sigh, absently moving several of the Elysia pictures on his desk. "Gracia and I are going through a rough patch in our relationship…"

Archer nodded along, not really listening, after all, he wasn't interested in hearing about Hughes' sex life. That was rather disturbing. Hot, but disturbing. After all, he was straight, right? Yes! Of course! Okay, no he wasn't. Or maybe… No, no he really needed to stop being so fickle.

"…So you see, I'm interested in having a little, eh, _help_, shall we say."

"What?" Archer snapped back into reality with that, ice eyes widening to Elric-sized on that. "Sir, I don't think I understa—"

"Oh, I think you do, Frank."

-+-

The office was dark by the time Archer departed, a little warily. After all, no one could exactly catch him like this. It would be rather damning to his career. But that was alright, he was sure all would turn out for the best, somehow. It didn't take long to find that phone booth not all that far from Central…

-+-

"Hey, it's Envy. Look, there's something really weird here. I was shipped out to kill Maes Hughes, right? Well… someone got to him before me."

"Are you serious?" Lust asked, incredulous, on the other end of the line. "How is that possible?"

"I'm not sure, but that's the way I found him. Gunshot wound in the side, it's really weird."

"Huh… go ahead and leave him then. I suppose that takes care of that…"

"Yeah…"


	3. Exchange Edward x Archer

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

**Chapter Three: Exchange (Edward ****Elric**** x Frank Archer)**

Okay, seriously. This has got to be one of the weirdest pairings of all time. Mainly because I never see Ed topping anyone (with the exception of Al, and occasionally Roy). Anyway, this is going to be like the last one, I think I'll try to keep all of these PG-13. Hmm. Maybe. Anyway, I must thank my lovely reviewers once again! I'm surprised slutty little Archer has some support here. Or not.

-+-

"So you want to go into the city of Liore. You know this is a warzone, FullMetal."

"I don't care."

"You could get killed."

"I have to stop Scar."

"Seems like Every alchemist has a vendetta against him."

"Yeah."

"…"

"Yes, sir."

"That's better." Frank Archer finally glanced up from the paper he was reading over to stare at the FullMetal Alchemist, icy eyes narrowed suspiciously. "And why do you have to stop him, per se? Why not leave it up to the army? It would be far easier for seven thousand men to take him down than for a child."

Ed growled something inappropriate at that. "I'll do what I have to in order to stop him. I'm not sure what he's planning."

"Mm." Archer didn't sound interested. He wasn't. Why be interested in something like this? There were other, more important things to do. For example, get Mustang to fill out his paperwork. Lazy ass…

"Sir, let me go, under your command."

"And why should I agree to such a ridiculous demand?" Archer asked, again glancing up, ice eyes meeting gold. How could any child have eyes that large? It was beyond him. And gold? Really, only Kimbley had golden eyes, but that couldn't be natural. It was believed that Kimbley's abnormal eye and hair color, the fact he never aged, and several other small figures, were to be attributed to the use of the fake stones. Archer didn't know much about them, but Tucker used them in advancing the State Alchemist pocket watches, absolutely necessary for the plans he was lying down.

"I'll do anything." Edward paused for a moment before walking around the desk, ignoring Archer's rather bemused exclamation, instead kneeling beside the elder man's knees and pressing his hands on them. "Anything." He repeated in a hushed whisper.

"F-FullMetal. This is completely inappropriate." Archer squirmed under the boy's strong grasp as automail clenched into flesh. "Let go of me,"

"Not until I get what I want. I want to go into Liore. You'll let me." And with that, the FullMetal Alchemist moved his human hand over to trail his fingers down the rather prominent bulge in the Colonel's pants.

FullMetal was in Liore within hours.


	4. Fickle Armstrong x Archer

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

**Chapter Four: Fickle (Alex Louis Armstrong x Frank Archer)**

Could not resist. I really couldn't. This, however, is more humorous than anything else. And it's not _really_ ArmstrongArcher. D; Sorry, guys, but this pairing still scars me for life. XD This stems from a roleplay where I was messing around with how fickle I could make Archer. Turns out, he's so easy to mess with. XD

Rated PG for implications. Some implied KimbleyArcher/ArcherKimbley. Sorry, you know I couldn't resist. XD And yeah, this is more humor than anything, but still not very ArmstrongArcher-esque. Sorry.

Without further ado, I give you your weird pairing.

-+-

Frank Archer was a man who knew exactly what he wanted in life. He wanted to become Fuhrer and he wouldn't compromise on that position. He wanted to take over he world and wage wars and kill people, but that wasn't something that should be said in public. After all, the man was already considered crazy, adding to the image wouldn't be very good at all.

So here he was in Dublith, searching for the Elrics to question them about Laboratory Five. But of course he got sidetracked. Archer was one to chase after his desires, no matter how often they changed.

"Major Armstrong, I want a chimera."

"Sir?"

And that was the conversation that started this wild goose chase. Archer demanded for the larger, stronger, and unimaginably scary man to go ahead and capture a living, breathing, working chimera. Armstrong didn't question about the 'working' part. He didn't have to. Archer spent his time bossing around everyone in South Headquarters like he owned the place. Well, he was a Lieutenant Colonel from Central, so of _course_ he was better.

"I'm sorry sir, it's a no-go. The chimeras are apparently hiding out in a bar called the Devil's Nest." Armstrong stated with a rather sharp salute as he returned.

"Hmm," Archer paused, thinking about it. "Well, obviously we'll have to go in there and apprehend them all for treason against the government!"

"…What?"

"Well they evaded arrest, therefore they committed treason." Archer stated with a deceivingly decisive nod and folded his arms.

"…" Armstrong stared, silent, unsure what to make of the situation. Archer was just plain _weird_. And did he honestly think anyone would believe that?

"Make it happen!"

And so Armstrong was off in a hurry.

-+-

"Y-you're… Zolf J. Kimbley! You were supposed to have been killed!"

"Kimbley?" Archer repeated, staring over at the spiky-long-haired, rather tackily-dressed man. "You're the Crimson Alchemist?"

"Heh heh, guess you military people sure do know your history!" The alchemist chimed happily, but with that, it was time to flee. They hadn't managed to apprehend the Homunculus boy, shame. Greed wouldn't be pleased and he'd probably beat Kimbley with a shoe again. And then they'd have sex. Yay, sex!

"Major! I want Kimbley!"

"Excuse me?"

Archer paused and evaluated the statement. "I want Kimbley, _now_."

Oh lord. Armstrong nodded and went off after the alchemist, managing to catch him by the ponytail and drag him back. Why was he always doing Archer's dirty work anyway? Just because he was one ranking lower…

"Ow ow oww!"

"Hah, excellent!" And then Archer and Kimbley left to talk 'negotiations'.

Armstrong decided that he really didn't want to know what those were.

-+-

"Major! We have to find the Elrics before we leave!"

Dammit, what time was it!? Armstrong glanced over at the clock and let out a small sigh. What the hell was Archer doing up at two A.M. anyway?! "Yes, sir." And where were they supposed to find the Elrics this late at night, huh?

"…Actually…"

Not again.

"…I was wondering if you could do me something a little more _personal_."

"…What, sir?" Why did he get the feeling that he wasn't going to like this at all?

Archer was silent for what felt like forever. And then he finally stated in a bizarrely out of character happy voice, "Go and fetch me a condom."

"…" He was right.


	5. Experimental Tucker x Archer

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

**Chapter Five: Experimental (****Shou**** Tucker x Frank Archer)**

What have I done? Well, here you have it, more crazy pairing goodness. I really wanted to write this one, more or less because Limey gave me five suggestions and I rejected the other four in a heartbeat. Also, you can suggest who you want to see! Some characters need to come later, or in some sort of order that I've already determined, but please feel free to share your suggestions for this! Otherwise I might run out of plotholes, err, ideas.

I'm rating this one PG-13. You should be thankful I didn't write anything else out. DX

-+-

"You mean… you'll let me continue my work?"

"You have nothing to fear. You're under the command of Frank Archer now."

Really, only someone with an ego the size of a small blimp could say something like that. Then again, Archer _did_ have an ego the size of a small blimp. Larger, actually. The man genuinely thought that he was the best. Well, he was. And now, he was holed up in the basement of the Liore base, examining the chimeras thoughtfully. They weren't very aggressive, he noticed. In fact, they seemed rather weak and defenseless. "Tucker, are you sure these things will be able to fight?"

"They're meant for the defensive…" Tucker whispered in that usual soft voice, looking up from the silver pocket watch he had been examining.

"Hmm." Archer stepped away from the cage to stare at the chimera man. He wondered if Tucker saw everything upside down. Well, his head was on upside down. How did that happen anyway? What had he done to become like this? Archer was fascinated with the weird cases, be it medical or otherwise. This was an alchemy mishap, some of the most interesting.

The Colonel glanced over toward the door, half-expecting the Crimson Alchemist to come waltzing in. Didn't he usually arrive around this time? Hmm. He'd better not be getting in a fight with a fourteen year old boy in a suit of armor. That would be stupid. Therefore, Kimbley would do it. Ugh. "Tucker, please continue your research on the chimeras, and continue with the watches as well." In all honesty, he wasn't really sure what an alchemically enhanced State Alchemist pocket watch was supposed to do. Make the alchemy stronger? It just looked like Tucker was sticking a bunch of stones inside.

"By the way, that's Edward Elric's watch. If you want to make it detonate…"

Archer really hated the beansprout.

"Anyway, I have to go. I'll see you later." He started toward the stairs, pausing when he heard a small little cough. "Tucker?"

"Don't leave," Tucker stated in that whispery voice. "Don't go." It wasn't a request, Archer realized. That was odd, since when was Tucker so oddly bold?

"And why shouldn't I?"

"You see, I haven't had anyone to talk to in a long time…" Tucker started, almost pitifully. "There's never anyone around, no one to listen…"

Archer had a terrible sinking feeling as the man went on.

"But you listen, you give me advice, you care."

_Not really,_ the Colonel thought.

"Stay here, let me," Tucker moved forward, pinning Archer firmly against the wall with the massive furred body, large arms ending with claw-like hands extending down south.

It was almost ironic how the tables had turned.


	6. Hiss Marta x Archer

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

**Chapter Six: Hiss (Marta x Frank Archer)**

Well, reading the reviews put me in a rather good mood, so I just had to write out the next chapter of this. I'm going to miss writing this while I'm gone for two weeks in Japan! (Shameless plug: more info on my profile)

To all of you who suggested pairings: thanks! I have a little bit of a predetermined order though, so stay away from main-ish characters for now. ;D I must say, the suggestion for BradleyArcher came up _twice_, so apparently I'm not the only one who likes that pairing! XD

Regardless, here's chapter six.

-+-

"A perfect chimera… It really is hard to believe that you exist." Frank Archer mused, staring down at the bound snake-girl in front of him. She had been caught with Alphonse Elric as they attempted to escape the Devil's Nest. She was the only one who remained. Sure he had Tucker, but this was too good of an opportunity to pass up. Besides, he could just kill her if she didn't obey.

"It's not hard to believe an asshole like you exists." She snapped back, squirming against the confining restraints on her arms and ankles. "Let me go!"

"And why would I do something so stupid?" Archer asked, near civil. "So that you can escape? And where would you go? All your friends are dead, that _creature_ isn't here anymore, who do you think will help you?"

She continued struggling, giving no sign of how the words affected her, if at all. "I don't need help."

"Oh please, you're a woman. Of course you need help."

"Chauvinist," She snapped in his direction. "I don't need help, I can take care of myself."

Archer snorted at that and leaned down so that he was at eye height with her. "Really, now. You must be realistic, chimera. In this world anyone considered a freak will be persecuted without second thought. You are a freak. You're not human."

Her struggling stopped momentarily. "You don't have to rub it in. I know, I know what it's like out there…"

"Then join me. I can keep you safe."

"How can I trust you?"

"What choice do you have?"

She frowned at that, hating to admit that he was right. Without the other chimeras, without Greed, she had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. "I have two conditions. One, you call me by name, not chimera."

Archer lifted an eyebrow at that, asking, "And? What is it?"

"Marta."

"Marta," He repeated, thinking the name over. "Very well, Marta."

"And second… you have to let me have my way occasionally."

He was quiet there, thinking that over. 'Have her way'? In what? For what? Would she attempt to turn Tucker to her side since they were both freaks? Hmm. It was strange, he wasn't sure what she'd get out of such an agreement. But if she wanted to, and would willingly join him… "Very well."

"Good, good." Marta said with a coy smile. "Now if you could just open that bottom cabinet there and get me what's in it."

Archer had a bad feeling about this. Something was going to pop out at him wasn't it? He hated that, though Kimbley seemed to love doing that, damn bastard. Regardless, he opened the cabinet and was a little surprised that nothing popped out. But once that was out of the way and he saw what was in the cabinet…

Now why the hell would there be a giant dildo in the cabinet?


	7. Loyalty Bradley x Archer

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

**Chapter Seven: Loyalty (Bradley x Frank Archer)**

I would gladly shoot myself in the face for the extremely long wait. I'm so sorry to all my loyal readers out there! I went through one of the worst writer's blocks of my entire history of writing! So to make up for it, I decided to give you the goodness you've been asking for. What, you might ask? Why the BradleyArcher that you all love!

…Or something like that. Limey told me to go write the next chapter, or she'd write it for me, so I relented. It's probably crap. But at least you have it!

-+-

"_What do I have left to live for? Tell me!"_

"_Colonel, don't stress yourself out, not so soon after—"_

"_Why did you do this? I'd rather be __**dead**__!"_

_  
"Sir, don't say that…"_

It was rather funny, he thought. The very people who had turned him into _this_ had been the ones that convinced him to fight. It had to have been a plan all along. Though why would they save him? Why? He was just your average, run-of-the-mill ambitious bastard willing to do anything for power, all the while just barely staying this side of legal. Who in their right mind would order those expensive automail parts, and who would willingly operate on a man barely alive? They must have gotten paid much more than he was getting paid. Then again, he couldn't even return home, he couldn't do anything he'd been able to do before.

But he was capable of so much more.

"_You are the only one who can protect me from the rebels now."_

Archer frowned, though the expression was skewed as always by the automail. The Fuhrer trusted him. The Fuhrer gave Archer the responsibility of looking after his safety. This was Archer's job. So why hadn't he been informed of the rebels' movement earlier!? The Colonel stormed out of the offices hurriedly, hearing loud shouts from further down the hallway. Wait, he recognized that voice—Edward Elric! The bratty teenager who'd cheated on the State Alchemist test. With that, the wall was broken down, words were exchanged, and Archer opened fire.

He was a weapon, after all. He wasn't human. It was thrilling, to be able to put his entire being into every single shot that rang out from the automail left arm. It was in moments like this that he wished this had happened earlier. If only he'd been able to open fire like this in Liore…! But now wasn't the time for reminiscing. He had to save the Fuhrer. He was the only one the Fuhrer could trust now, everyone was a rebel. Once-friends were now enemies, and then rivals were…

Where was he, anyway? Mustang? He was always with that Elric boy, probably because of—actually, Archer would rather not think about them. But Mustang wasn't here, which meant…

"_I trust you, Colonel Archer. I believe you are the only one strong enough to carry this burden, and to make it something better. You are the state's weapon—you are my weapon."_

"_Yours, of course, sir."_

It was funny how he still respected and _cared for_ the man that had told him bluntly that he was nothing more than a weapon. The Fuhrer understood though, in a way that no one else could. The Fuhrer cared…

Riza Hawkeye had gotten away. But it was enough proof for him. If she was here, then her little love-interest wasn't far. Roy Mustang had to be here. The grenade from before had severely damaged his human right side, but the automail hadn't even scratched. He really was more machine than human. And in a way, he just didn't care. He had to protect the Fuhrer. He was the only one left.

"Mustang."

It was all his fault. It was all his _damn_ fault. How could he want to kill the Fuhrer? Fuhrer Bradley had done a damn good job in office. Was it just because of a second war? Was Roy really that damn self-centered? Did he really think all this was about innocent deaths? There were always innocent deaths in war! Selfish bastard, he deserved to die.

There he was, framed by the flaming innards of the Fuhrer's once-great mansion. Archer's remaining ice-colored eye narrowed, it was obvious. The Fuhrer was dead. Roy Mustang, the man he'd wanted to be when he was _human_ had killed him. The automail left arm raised, stolen military-issued pistol locked into position.

There was a great sense of satisfaction as he pulled the trigger. His rival; vanquished. The man who'd killed the only person he'd actually cared about was dead. Archer had never missed, after all.

_Bang._

Now where had that come from? He hadn't shot again, had he? No, it was coming from behind him. A second, third, more shots were fired, finally Archer felt it, one graced the human section of his back. He was being fired at? By who? Who would dare attempt to kill him…? Hawkeye. It made sense, he thought. She would want to avenge Mustang's death. She just didn't understand either. Or she was so blinded by her adoration of Mustang that she didn't care what was right or wrong.

After all, Fuhrer Bradley could do no wrong.


	8. Girlfriend Lust x Archer

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

**Chapter Eight: Girlfriend (Lust x Frank Archer)**

This one is actually a little different than my past ones. Most of them have been from Archer's point of view (well, sort of). This one, however, is taking it from an outside character's perspective. Also inspired from the manga rather than the anime, for once. You'll have to forgive me, I can't remember Lust's fake name.

-+-

"Colonel Mustang!" Jean Havoc burst through the doors on an otherwise quiet Tuesday morning, causing the entire office to look up, perplexed. It was his day off, for once, and wasn't he supposed to be spending it with that new girlfriend of his?

"Yes, Havoc?" Roy asked, finally ripping his eyes away from the newspaper he'd been reading instead of signing papers. Seeing the other's near murderous glare, he nearly cowered away. Havoc had never looked so furious before.

"I'm sick and _damn_ tired of it, _sir_! Every single one! All of them! One right after the other! Why can't I get a girlfriend!? No, I can, but _why do you take them all?!_"

The others in the office had gone deadly silent, and now turned to look at Roy, waiting for a response. There was none, Roy had gone back to reading the paper. "Y'know, he's got a point," Breda finally spoke up, drawing the collective attentions of the group to him. "I mean, why do you always do it, sir?"

The newspaper was pulled away by Hawkeye, and now Roy had to answer the question. "Well, uh, I don't know what you're talking about, Havoc." He finally covered. "I haven't stolen a girlfriend from you in months." Speaking of which, he should do that again soon.

"Sir, don't lie to me!" Havoc cried. "I was supposed to meet with Juliette this morning, but she wasn't there! She didn't show up! I wanted an hour for her!"

"Maybe she called your house?"

"I waited by the phone for another hour! Then I tried calling her, and _nothing_!" Havoc was practically in tears by now. "I really thought she was the one. How could you!?"

"But I didn't do anything." Roy frowned, perplexed. "I don't even know who Juliette is." And for once, he spoke the truth. Hawkeye hadn't witnessed him rambling about a new girl at all recently, nor had he used the name 'Juliette' in any alchemic coding. He used every girls' name he'd ever dated. It was no wonder hers wasn't in there.

Havoc paused, silent. "You mean…" Fuery finally asked, "you didn't steal Havoc's girlfriend?"

"I didn't." Roy nodded toward the youngest member of his office staff. "As I said, I haven't stolen a girlfriend of Havoc's for a long time."



"Then we have to find out who did!" Havoc decided. "I won't take no for an answer, sir! You're coming with me!"

Echoes of, "Me too!" and, "I'll come!" flooded the office, leaving only Hawkeye displeased by their determination to avoid work.

-+-

"This is the address she gave me," Havoc examined the scrawled numbers on a piece of paper and then held them out for the others to see.

"You can't even read that," Falman protested, pointing at one of the numbers, "is that a six or a three?"

"How can you turn that into a six or a three?" Breda asked, snatching the paper from Havoc. "That's a nine!"

"Oh forget this!" Roy grumbled and started up to the door, finger poised to ring the doorbell.

"Wait, don't!" The other four chorused. "We're on a spying mission, remember?" Havoc dragged Roy back to the little group on the sidewalk.

"It would be more effective if we weren't so obvious." Roy was now positively sulking for being told off by a bunch of his subordinates. This was humiliating.

Suddenly the doorknob began to rattle, and with a shout of, "Scatter!" the group broke off to hide in different bushes around the yard. The front door was open, revealing Juliette, in all her voluptuous glory, as well as a man (which caused Havoc to nearly attack from his bush, but Breda held him back).

"Darling, are you sure you have to leave?" Something seemed fake about the way Juliette spoke, but maybe only Falman caught that. The other men were too busy staring at her breasts. She then came out further to pull on the man's sleeve until she was firmly gripping him by the shoulders. "Surely work can't be as important as our 'special time'?"

"Of course it isn't," The man spoke up, allowing her to freely manipulate him. He was too busy staring at her cleavage anyway. And he had a better view of it, Roy thought with a pout. "I can take the day off."

"Oh excellent!" Juliette chimed, dragging him back inside and slamming the door.

That was the cue for the spies to hop out of the bushes and exchange words on what they say. "Hot damn, did you get a load of that ass!?" "Oh my god, her breasts!" "She's such a slut!" "I'd hit it!" and other such things followed.

"Wait, wait, guys, didn't you see who the man was?" Falman finally managed to ask above Havoc's enraged shouts of "No, she's mine!" The others stared blankly, and Falman had to elaborate. "That was Lieutenant Colonel Archer, Hughes'—"

"Hughes!" Roy interrupted with a wail. The other's comforted him for a moment before an awkward silence, in which Roy stated, "Continue."

"Very well. He's the new head of the Investigations Department. I heard from Sciezka that he has a china tea set."

"Gay." They all chorused at once. "Totally gay."

"Yes, that's what I thought too. But then why is he here, with a woman?"

"Maybe he's being mind-controlled!" Fuery wondered aloud. "Like, an alien!"

"You've been hanging around Sciezka too much." Breda groaned.

Havoc waved his hands about angrily and interrupted the conversation, "I don't care about that! He's got my girlfriend!"

"Well, since he's gay, he'll leave by the time sex comes around." Roy figured, which then caused all of them to wince at the mere mention of it. Gay plus sex equals do not want. Or something along those lines.

"…Anyway, this closes the case!" Roy stated firmly, slamming a fist into the palm of his other hand. "And so it is solved!"

"That was a waste of time." Falman sighed. "Hawkeye won't be pleased."

Sure enough, when they returned to the office, they all got shot at several times. It was almost enough to get Hakuro to go examine the numerous gunshots. But of course, Riza managed to cover it up perfectly as usual.

And thus the day continued as usual; Havoc angsting, Roy avoiding paperwork, and the others actually doing something productive.


	9. Hell Greed x Archer

Such Is the Life of a Slut

**Such Is the Life of a Slut**

**Chapter Nine: Hell (Greed x Archer)**

Yes, yes, I know I haven't been super loyal to this fic. But Limey bet that she could finish up her own version of this idea before I could, so you _know_ I'm dedicated now. I won't lose!

Err, anyway, this is sort of an alternate universe chapter. You'll see what I mean in a moment.

And in case I haven't said it, and you haven't figured it out, I own nothing.

_This chapter contains mature content. Skip it if you don't want your mind soiled._

-+-

_Hell,_ He thought. _That's what this is, a living hell._

And indeed, there was no other way to describe the feeling of having one's ass penetrated, claws raked down otherwise flawless skin, and of course, the heated words of pure hatred hissed down at him. No, Frank Archer could not imagine a worse version of hell. That wasn't to say he believed in hell, but it was the only comparison he could come up with at this point in time.

It had all started with a little deal…

-+-

"Two weeks? That's way too long to wait. You never know, I might get volatile and blow something up right now."

Kimbley. Archer had heard of the man's exploits in Ishbal and had actually come to like the man despite his obvious faults. _Like_, certainly not _love_. The crazy alchemist had a lot in common with the warmongering Lieutenant Colonel, and they'd discovered this over coffee for the past few days, setting down plans for exactly how the Devil's Nest was to be raided, and the Homunculus inside to be destroyed.

But Archer wasn't letting Kimbley in on everything. Never lay all your cards on the table. Unless, of course, you're about to win. That was the standard villain talking though, not necessarily Archer. "Any sooner and my troops won't be properly prepared to take on your friends, the chimeras."

"They're not my friends." Kimbley's voice almost had a hiss to it, like he was disgusted that Archer would even say such a thing.

Archer made a noncommittal noise and examined the sketches on the napkins again. The plan was flawless. Kimbley would let them in late at night, and hopefully evacuate most civilians (that wasn't a necessity though, at least not in Archer's opinion). From there, Kimbley would get the skull of the Homunculus, and the guards would gun down all traces of the chimeras. Shou Tucker would create more later. The skull would serve to get the Homunculus to do whatever the hell Archer wanted; an unprecedented weapon that would send him to the top of the government almost instantly.

It was the perfect plan.

But like all perfect plans, something had to go wrong.

-+-

The hotel Archer and Major Armstrong were staying at was a nice, lavish building not far from South Headquarters. Of course the military was covering it, but that didn't mean Archer was about to let himself go. He never did, after all. He instead locked himself up in his room and continued calculating exactly how all this would play out. Should he attempt to threaten the Fuhrer with his Homunculus, or was that going too far…?

He'd underestimated Kimbley, however. The man was mad, his word couldn't be taken so seriously. Archer found that out a bit too late.

The door was quite literally kicked in and Archer was on his feet, gun drawn. "Who the hell--?"

He didn't have to finish, the man standing framed in the doorway could only be the Homunculus talked about. Sharp, pointed teeth, purple eyes behind small sunglasses, and that stupid vest Kimbley often complained about. Not that Archer had actually been listening when Kimbley complained about his sex life with this man, no not at all. "Lieutenant Colonel Frank Archer," The creature sneered, walking further into the room, causing Archer to back up until he hit the table. "Nice to finally meet the man Kimbley's told me so much about."

Archer would have cussed, but that was rather crass, and he didn't want to appear weak. "What the hell do you want?"

"That should be obvious." The Homunculus known as Greed smirked. "You tried to get Kimbley to betray me—us—didn't you? You tried to force him into something as horrible as the constraining military?" The shield went up as Archer clicked the safety on the gun off. "You have no idea what you're up against."

Well, not entirely true. He did know that Kimbley couldn't kill him (the alchemist had stressed that many times), and he knew the bullet would ricochet off the shield. It looked to be made of metal, but Archer couldn't tell for sure. He was almost close enough to _touch_ now. "I asked him of his own free will."

"Under the threat that you'd shoot him."

"He would rather serve me than not be able to do anything under you." Shit, how the hell was he going to get out of this one? Archer didn't have anywhere to go, and Greed was directly in the way of the door. The Homunculus was also faster than any human, according to Kimbley, and Archer wasn't exactly a marathon runner. "So you're here to kill me?"

"No." Greed's grin widened to Cheshire proportions. "I'm here to put you through hell."

A loud _smack_ was the last thing Archer heard before he dropped like a stone, out cold to a shielded smack across the face.

-+-

It couldn't have been much longer when he awoke, pressed over the table in clear sight of the fixed door, bound and gagged. _Shit, what the hell?_ He could still see, but that only made it worse.

"So, Sleeping Beauty, have a nice nap?" The Homunculus purred, getting up and not showing any signs of embarrassment about dropping his pants.

Three things happened at once in Archer's mind. The first was a thought of _Holy hell, he's huge!_ The second a wave of sincere jealousy, and the third was the word _fuck_ repeated over and over again. Archer wasn't stupid, and he had a damn good reason to suspect that the other was going to fuck him, right over the table in his own hotel room. Talk about a violation of privacy. If he lived through this, he was going to kill that bastard.

"Oh don't worry, you'll start enjoying it after awhile. Then I'll just make it hurt again." Greed seemed very pleased with the situation, and the shield slipped back up again, only causing more reason for Archer to panic.

_Hell,_ He thought. _That's what this is, a living hell._


End file.
